Aware of the problem, I sought to learn. I learned enough to think the right way (on certain issues), buy the right books (but not necessarily read them), not flaunt my privilege (or so I thought). But have I allowed the injustice to change me? Have I changed how I spend my time, where I spend my money, who I listen to, what I think about? Concerned with doing the wrong thing, I do nothing. Comfortable in my white privilege, I drop the cause when it becomes inconvenient. I stopped working to change the one person I can change: me.
Category Archives: Uncategorized
Rhythms
Even the trash and recycling collection has a rhythm. A routine. It's easier for them to schedule, and easier for us to remember. The most mundane rhythms can be strong anchors.
Busier days
I miss the days I don't make it here to write. The images dance in my mind, moments are still heavy with meaning. Plenty makes it into the pages of my journal. But there's an expansiveness that comes when I put it out here.
To the girl who waved at me
Today on my afternoon walk, as I crested the big hill, I heard a voice: "Hi!" I looked across the street and saw a young girl, standing in a tree house, behind the fence. She waved. I waved back, a big, surprised smile spread across my face. It's as simple as that. We have the power to bring each other joy, to brighten one another's days.
The sun
Last night I watched a documentary about our sun. (Perhaps ironic on a day that rained and was covered with clouds.)
For something that’s so ever-present, the sun is also so distant. (More distant that its 93 million miles, since most of us will never get any closer than we are right now. And even the astronauts don’t shorten the distance by much.)
We harness its power—to grow plants, keep our bodies warm, send energy into the power grid.
But it’s full power—a core of burning plasma, creating constant fusion reactions—is impossible to harness.
Scientists can explain the sun’s properties, but its very existence is hard to fathom.
I can only stand in awe and wonder.
Saturday training
Today felt like a normal Saturday in many ways: sleeping in, relaxed morning, cleaning, and listening to podcasts. I almost forgot I couldn't leave. Almost. Part of the discipline of the quarantine is not having instant gratification. I think twice before going to the store, running an errand. Do I really need more milk, or can we wait a day or two? I swallow the desire to go and buy, like holding back an excited puppy who sees the ball get thrown and is poised to fetch. I can't run off without thinking anymore. I'm training myself to be more thoughtful, measured, patient. I write the item on my list; I wait and see what else may come up before I leave. I'm training myself to stay.
Weekend Visitor
I look out the window and see Lethargy turning into my cul-de-sac, walking slowly toward my house. I have a to-do list written— cleaning, baking, reading— activities that should make me feel good inside. But as I see her approaching, I question how I'll respond when she walks in, plops down on the couch, and opens a box of my favorite Trader Joe's crackers. Will I join her? Indulge her? Try to ignore her? I don't want to kick her out. That never works. It takes too much effort (oh the irony), and actually I kinda like her. Rumi would tell me to invite her for tea. I picture the two of us having a nice, respectful conversation. Then I picture myself telling her that I really have to be going, but let's do this again sometime. Maybe next weekend even. I turn away from the window, straighten my back, and begin to fill the kettle.
Softening
My body is becoming softer, the longer we stay quarantined. Before Covid, I was practicing yoga 5-6x per week, my arms and abs becoming sleek and toned. I loved it. It was saving me. But things are different now. Something inside me keeps wondering... Was the intense exertion necessary to meet the intense pace? My head tells me-- you're footsteps from the kitchen, you're snacking more; but exercise makes you feel good; but what if you gain weight and can't get it off? My heart tells me-- maybe this is the weight you were supposed to be all along; maybe you need to let go of the striving, let go of trying to control your body. My heart whispers-- maybe if you focus more on loving your body, it will show you it can be trusted.
Expect Surprises
On my drive in to the city this morning, I listened to my first episode of Krista Tippet’s radio show/podcast, On Being. Specifically, I listened to her interview with Paulo Coelho, titled Paulo Coelho — The Alchemy of Pilgrimage.
Coelho describes each day as a pilgrimage, a journey of discovery. He shares that if he knew what to expect from his day when it begins, life would be boring. On pilgrimage, you meet people and share conversation. You are going on your own journey of discovery, but along the way you meet other people on their own journeys, and you become part of each others’ stories.
That was my experience this morning. I came to a bagel & coffee shop near my work. A mom and two kids came in. They sat near me, and the kids started talking to me. Instead of simply being polite and then putting my head phones back in (kids don’t see headphones as a barrier to conversation), I became present in the interaction. I opened myself up to be surprised.
And what transpired was a special moment of seeing into the world of a curious 6-year-old boy. I witnessed the joy of learning and field trips and the daily schedule of school. He asked me what I was doing, and I said I was writing a blog post for my website. I talked with his mom, telling her I worked nearby. He asked where I worked, and I pulled up Sporcle.com.
I asked what his favorite movie was, hoping to find a quiz we could play together. He said he liked the Kratts brothers. I found this quiz that we played. He knew all the answers. His mom mentioned a test at school that he’d be taking later this year. It would be on the computer. She wondered if our site had educational resources like that on it. I told her probably not. Most of our content is more ‘fun’.
This boy and I played more quizzes. His mom had a chance to focus on her other child. Then they left, and I started writing this blog post.
This isn’t the Friday morning I expected. But I’m entering into this day with greater peace and a sense of wonder. I feel more connected to my city and the people here. Just because I opened myself up to an invitation from a 6-year-old boy.
You will be offered an invitation today, in some form or another. Will you accept?
On the (New to Me) Idea of Not Having Children
I’ve always assumed I would have children. While it hasn’t been my primary goal in life to be a mother, I’ve never imagined my life not being a mother. So why am I considering it now?
I just finished reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s popular memoir Eat, Pray, Love (2006). In part 1 of the book, she talks about making the decision to leave her marriage. She writes:
I remember saying once to my friend Susan, when my marriage was becoming intolerable, “I don’t want my children growing up in a household like this.” Susan said, “Why don’t you leave those so-called children out of the discussion? They don’t even exist yet, Liz. Why can’t you just admit that you don’t want to live in unhappiness anymore?
I’ve spent so much time thinking about how I will structure my life once I have a child. I wonder how my job will be affected, what it will be like to have a long commute, what arrangements we’ll make for childcare and how expensive that will be.
On good days, I enjoy playing out various scenarios. On many days, though, I feel a sense of dread and anxiety.
Just before the quote above, Gilbert writes: “I hadn’t even had the babies yet, and I was already neglecting them, already choosing myself over them. I was already a bad mother.” I feel I’m the opposite. I haven’t even had the babies yet and already I’m neglecting myself, choosing them over me. Already I’m trying to be a good mother.
This is why I’m letting go of the conviction that I will certainly have children. I’m throwing away my pre-kid bucket list. I want the next few years of my life to be adventurous and fulfilling for no other reason except that I want to lead an adventurous and fulfilling life. I want to become more financially stable, not so that I feel secure bringing a dependent into the world, but simply because it is freeing to be financially stable.
It’s easy to submit yourself to someone (even someone whose existence is only in your mind.) That submission, or sacrifice, can be a convenient excuse for not making decisions about what you truly want (as well as convincing your partner not to pursue what she/he truly wants.) It’s harder to acknowledge your desires and to pursue them wholeheartedly. Simply because you want to. That’s harder to rationalize.