Part of being a leader is becoming self-aware. It’s realizing that when you speak or act, your behavior will be perceived by others in a certain way.  And not speaking or not acting sends its own message.

Part of being a leader is educating yourself. When we’re surrounded by people like us, and taking in the thoughts and ideas of people like us, we will see the world from a limited perspective. Seek out and learn from people who are different from you, from thought leaders who think differently from you. Allow your ideas to be challenged. Allow yourself to change your mind. Allow yourself to grow.

Part of being a leader is putting your time and money where your values are. These are both limited resources, and spending them requires us to choose what’s most important to us. Our choices have real consequences, both for ourselves and for those we choose to support.

Part of being a leader is not giving up when you’ve made a mistake. There’s no time for self-pity. There’s work to be done.

Leadership is not for the faint of heart. It’s easy to look at people in leadership in our own lives, and critique them, be jealous of them, or even think that what they’re doing isn’t that hard and we could do it just as well. But then you find yourself in that place of leadership. And suddenly it’s not so easy.

The next step is often not clear. Even if the “what” is clear, the “how” might not be. Often being a leader means being the one to figure out this thing that no one yet knows how to do. Being a trailblazer. And while some leaders make it seem like they love blazing trails — and maybe they actually do — you might not be that kind of leader. I know I’m not.

I’m the kind of leader who appreciates good leadership when I see it. I don’t have to be in charge nor do I often want to be. And yet, we need leaders in our world. We need people who will care enough about their communities, companies and families that they will volunteer to take on the responsibility of leadership. People who are willing to be vulnerable and put themselves in a situation in which they might fail.

It’s a privilege to have the power to make decisions. But with that privilege comes responsibility. Leadership  means saying, “I’ll make the tough decision that needs to be made here, I will stick around to see the consequences that result, and I will be responsible for handling the new situation, as well.”

There’s moments of leadership that are glamorous. There’s recognition, there’s pride in telling people your role and joy in talking about your passion for the cause. There’s (hopefully) the exhilaration of success. But the excitement is fleeting.

Quickly the excitement passes, and you have to get back to work. A new problem arises or circumstances change or there’s simply ongoing tasks that must be done. You realize that just because you were successful in the past doesn’t guarantee you will be successful now. There are no guarantees.

That no-guarantee policy–that risk–is what you take on when you lead. It can be daunting to take on that risk. And yet we need people to do it.

There are tough decisions needing to be made, problems that need solving and solutions that need testing. Will you be brave enough to go first? Will you care enough to get out of your comfort zone? Will you put in the time it takes to create something new?

I recently created a leadership plan. It was the main assignment due after a weekend-long class on leadership, and I was brimming with ideas about how I could become a better leader.

As I jotted down ideas for new habits I wanted form, regular habits I wanted to solidify, and the ways I wanted to grow as a leader, a common theme emerged: Improve the relationships in the various spheres of my life.

This desire, you could even call it a yearning, for better relationships came into sharp focus when I realized that an attribute of good leaders is being relational. In other words, part of being a good leader is connecting with others.

Having good relationships shouldn’t be viewed as a moral or professional obligation. It’s not about checking a box. Though this may sound counterintuitive, it’s about improving yourself.

The network of people you connect with is called your social capital. It’s the people you know and with whom you regularly interact with. Led by our natural inclinations, we’ll connect with people who are like us. It’s easier to relate to them. But the more we limit ourselves to connecting with people like us, the more homogenous our network becomes.

Where we grow the most is when we are in relationship with people who are different than us. These are the people who challenge us to see things in a different way: be it a project at work, a change in the community where we live, or a new trend in pop culture. These are the people who will make us better leaders, because we’ll learn new ways of doing things.

One way to deepen these relationships is to talk about topics that are outside of your shared basis for knowing one another. You may find that the co-worker who seems so similar to you actually is quite different from you when the conversation shifts from work to hobbies. Another way is to reach out to contacts you don’t know too well, but who you want to know better. Ask them about themselves and be prepared to listen and learn from them.

Having good relationships affects your ability to lead. And improving your relationships will make you a better leader.

How will you improve the relationships in your life?

We’ve all heard the phrase ‘lead by example’. I’ve always thought of the phrase as being a noble call to be your best self even when no one’s watching.  But if you think of a leader, either one whom you know personally or one who you know as a public figure, they don’t *just* lead by example. They let us know what they’re doing. But they also let us know *why* they’re doing it.

There’s limited inspiration that comes from hearing a person’s daily schedule. Here’s a version of my morning: “I woke up at 5am, got dressed and packed for work, and left my house at 5:30am to drive into the city.”

Are you inspired? Probably not. Do you want to be like me? Probably not.

Let’s try a different version: “I woke up at 5am because rush hour traffic starts early and I wanted to spend my time before work writing a blog post instead of sitting in traffic. Writing helps me work out my thoughts and brings a sense of peace and wholeness to my soul. Feeling peaceful and whole helps me be the best version of myself. When I’m writing regularly, I also find it easier to focus on the other responsibilities and tasks in my life.”

What was different about that version?

In the second version, I shared the ‘why’ behind my actions. And instead of focusing solely on logistical reasons, like rush hour traffic, I included reasons that speak to my values. You might also seek peace and wholeness. But your methods for obtaining it will be unique to you.

We don’t follow people by emulating their every move. Sure, the details of successful people’s lives can be juicy and interesting, and there’s a part of us that craves those details. But you won’t become a follower of someone until you adopt the values that have inspired their actions.

Similarly, you won’t inspire people to follow you unless you share your values with them. Lead by example, sure. But be sure to share the thoughts and reasoning behind your example. Share with us the values that are important to you.

In Stephen Covey’s book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People,  the first set of habits are focused on self-leadership. (Self-mastery is the way he puts it.) The idea is that you can’t effectively lead others unless you are holding yourself to an even higher level of discipline.

Even if you are not directing managing anyone, you can train yourself by managing…you.

Learn to manage your time, your focus, your energy. Hold yourself to a standard you would expect from others. Even better, hold yourself to a standard you would respect and esteem in others.

So often we know the right thing to do, but we still waver, debating whether we’re actually going to do it. Do it. Make yourself proud of you.