What if self-discipline was reframed... as self-trust? What if self-condemnation... had no place? I trust myself when I do what I said I would do. (Even if it disappoints others). What promises am I making to myself?
Monthly Archives: April 2020
Blustery day
Wind, rain, warmth, sun— the end of April, May is almost here.
When things feel off
Some days things feel off: my shoulders tense up, my heart races, my gaze—internal and external— darts back and forth, searching for where to land.
Sabbath, take 2
This Saturday I didn't put off the house chores to Sunday. I spent the morning writing and reading, while drinking ginger peach green tea. I made a delicious salad for lunch, using up food from the week. I emptied the entire fridge and cleaned it, prompted by a sticky soy sauce spill. I listened to podcasts and talked to a friend. I tried not to stress out about the hours ticking by. I cleaned and vacuumed. I opened the windows and ate an orange while sitting on the front step. I noticed the Japanese maple in the front yard, its feathery crimson leaves recently returned. I tried not to rush.
To the girl who waved at me
Today on my afternoon walk, as I crested the big hill, I heard a voice: "Hi!" I looked across the street and saw a young girl, standing in a tree house, behind the fence. She waved. I waved back, a big, surprised smile spread across my face. It's as simple as that. We have the power to bring each other joy, to brighten one another's days.
The sun
Last night I watched a documentary about our sun. (Perhaps ironic on a day that rained and was covered with clouds.)
For something that’s so ever-present, the sun is also so distant. (More distant that its 93 million miles, since most of us will never get any closer than we are right now. And even the astronauts don’t shorten the distance by much.)
We harness its power—to grow plants, keep our bodies warm, send energy into the power grid.
But it’s full power—a core of burning plasma, creating constant fusion reactions—is impossible to harness.
Scientists can explain the sun’s properties, but its very existence is hard to fathom.
I can only stand in awe and wonder.
The rain returns
The rain and clouds have returned, bringing a sense of normalcy to staying inside. The beautiful spring weather had heightened my senses (and allergies), adding to the strangeness of the pandemic. We stayed in; the flowers burst forth. Today I feel less shocked, more sad.
Mowing the weeds
Today I mowed the backyard. I would say lawn, except there's not a lot of grass. But even the weeds get tall. And they look better once they've had a trim. (Not unlike some humans I know.) We all look better when we're cleaned up.
Trying out a sabbath
Over the years, I’ve felt the pull to try to practice a weekly sabbath, a day of rest. Sabbath is supposed to be a day where we cease our work and productivity and just be.
It’s always been a challenge.
In Christianity, Sunday is the assumed day for this. But going to church is not all that restful. And the beginning of the work week looms large on Sundays, bringing low-level anxiety and the pressure to prepare.
Saturday is typically my day to do things around the house. But this morning, after starting the day slowly—sleeping in and making brunch—and perhaps inspired by the overcast weather and rain, I had the thought, “What if I left the chores for tomorrow? And let today be work free?”
I felt the tiredness from the week, and I felt a deep desire to rest. So I made the call.
I spent the day writing, reading, taking a nap, taking a walk, reading some more and making dinner. I took a long shower, washed my hair and shaved my legs. I stayed off social media (barely).
I still found myself looking at the clock, feeling a pang as the hours went by, knowing I didn’t have much to “show” for the time. But I tried to go with the experiment.
Tomorrow will be part 2. Will I feel refreshed enough to get things done, and still feel ready, going into the week?
Time will tell.
Desiring Space
It feels weird to say this, but I'm thinking of stepping back from some virtual social commitments. As social distancing and stay-at-home orders continue, the initial shock— and scurry to establish new, regular ways of being together— is settling. I'm realizing that it's still important to have time... to think and read, to cook and move my body, to be with my most-important people. I'm desiring space. And I'm going to try to honor that desire.