Monthly Archives: July 2016

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How Committed are You?

I recently joined a new gym. In the intro session with a personal trainer, I was asked this question — On a scale of 1 to 10, how committed are you to reaching your fitness goals? If you’re anything like me, you might feel ambivalent. How committed am I, really?

Feeling committed is different than actually committing. One is a desire or wish, the other is a decision to act. For some people, it’s easy to want something really sincerely. In my case, I think through what the costs will be, and often I have trouble deciding if it’s even what I want. The thinking gets in my way.

There are a lot of commitments we can choose to take on. Commitment to personal development, commitment to perform well in our jobs, commitment to a friend or spouse. It’s easy to want to be fully invested, giving your best effort to come through on the commitment. It’s harder to actually follow through.

So, what do we do?

Don’t overthink it. Act on the impulses that cross your mind, welling up from that nebulous commitment zone inside you. I could go to the gym tonight, your mind considers. Go get changed and get in your car. I haven’t connected with a certain friend in a long time. Text her and ask when the two of you can meet up.

Your perceived level of commitment can only do so much for you. It can only remind you so many times to do that thing you’ve been meaning to do. Listen to its voice.

 

 

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On Self-Leadership

In Stephen Covey’s book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People,  the first set of habits are focused on self-leadership. (Self-mastery is the way he puts it.) The idea is that you can’t effectively lead others unless you are holding yourself to an even higher level of discipline.

Even if you are not directing managing anyone, you can train yourself by managing…you.

Learn to manage your time, your focus, your energy. Hold yourself to a standard you would expect from others. Even better, hold yourself to a standard you would respect and esteem in others.

So often we know the right thing to do, but we still waver, debating whether we’re actually going to do it. Do it. Make yourself proud of you.

 

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Why I Write

Writing is important because it’s a way to think. It’s a way to process thoughts and inklings and inspirations. It’s a way for you to ask — why does this particular idea resonate with me?

Feelings are powerful. They move us. But if you can’t put your feelings into words, it’s hard to share that power with others.

Even though we talk about understanding each other without words, it is a challenge to truly know what someone is feeling if they don’t articulate it. Often you’ll find yourself interpreting their signs in the context of your own understanding and experience.

The struggle of writing is also a struggle in thinking. In clarifying. In figuring out what it is that you truly believe about something.

Embrace the struggle, whether that’s journaling or blogging or sending a letter to a friend. Not only will you connect with others. You’ll also make sense of those convictions welling up inside you.

 

 

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On the (New to Me) Idea of Not Having Children

I’ve always assumed I would have children. While it hasn’t been my primary goal in life to be a mother, I’ve never imagined my life not being a mother. So why am I considering it now?

I just finished reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s popular memoir Eat, Pray, Love (2006). In part 1 of the book, she talks about making the decision to leave her marriage. She writes:

I remember saying once to my friend Susan, when my marriage was becoming intolerable, “I don’t want my children growing up in a household like this.” Susan said, “Why don’t you leave those so-called children out of the discussion? They don’t even exist yet, Liz. Why can’t you just admit that you don’t want to live in unhappiness anymore?

I’ve spent so much time thinking about how I will structure my life once I have a child. I wonder how my job will be affected, what it will be like to have a long commute, what arrangements we’ll make for childcare and how expensive that will be.

On good days, I enjoy playing out various scenarios. On many days, though, I feel a sense of dread and anxiety.

Just before the quote above, Gilbert writes: “I hadn’t even had the babies yet, and I was already neglecting them, already choosing myself over them. I was already a bad mother.” I feel I’m the opposite. I haven’t even had the babies yet and already I’m neglecting myself, choosing them over me. Already I’m trying to be a good mother.

This is why I’m letting go of the conviction that I will certainly have children. I’m throwing away my pre-kid bucket list. I want the next few years of my life to be adventurous and fulfilling for no other reason except that I want to lead an adventurous and fulfilling life. I want to become more financially stable, not so that I feel secure bringing a dependent into the world, but simply because it is freeing to be financially stable.

It’s easy to submit yourself to someone (even someone whose existence is only in your mind.) That submission, or sacrifice, can be a convenient excuse for not making decisions about what you truly want (as well as convincing your partner not to pursue what she/he truly wants.) It’s harder to acknowledge your desires and to pursue them wholeheartedly. Simply because you want to. That’s harder to rationalize.

 

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A Day (or Two) Without Facebook

My last 48 hours have been different. I’ve had clarity of thought and a sense of peace and calm. I’ve felt less anxious, less guilt-stricken, less distracted. In the last 48 hours, I have spent less than 5 minutes on Facebook.

I woke up Sunday morning determined to resist. Somehow being on Facebook fills my stomach with a subtle feeling of dread. Maybe it’s being reminded of the friends I follow there, whom I really should call on the phone. Maybe it’s the helplessness I feel in the face of so many headlines.

Maybe it’s the aversion to all this self-promotion. When life experiences are packaged up, a series of snapshots of one smiling face after another, it gets to be nauseating after awhile. And I’m talking about my own timeline as much as anyone else’s!

I’m all for becoming immersed and lost in something beyond yourself, beyond your own world. That’s why, on my good days, I read poetry, watch good movies, and sit still listening to music (one thing at a time, with my undivided attention.)

If Facebook has you jaded, give art a try. Let it distract you…enthrall you…inspire you.